(Three girls walk into the Mystery Science Theater. Two are wearing standard black PPC uniforms, complete with the potted cactus patch on one shoulder. The other is wearing a pink shirt and is eating chocolate ice cream.)
FFeathers: Mmm, chocolate! Er…what I mean to say is, welcome to the MST theater! Joining us tonight for the perusal of our featured literary, ah…treasure are Agents Roxie and Curare of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum!
Roxie: Mary-Sue division.
FFeathers: Right. About that –
Curare: Was there a point to that little speech just now?
FFeathers: It was my introductory remarks. Everything has to have an introductory remarks!
Roxie and Curare: (wince)
Roxie: Your grammar makes my ears bleed.
Curare: (interested) I don't see any blood.
Roxie: Figure of speech!
FFeathers: Asseyez-vous. We're starting in a second.
Roxie: Wait –
FFeathers: No time for that…roll fic, Judith!
(lights go down)
Disclaimer: I do not own
FFeathers: A brain. (looks around) Wha-at? It's classic! You have to say that during the disclaimer!
Curare: No, you really don't.
any of the Characters of Lord of the Rings.
Roxie: Is it too late to leave the theater by now?
FFeathers: I had Judith lock us in. Want me to tie you down as well?
Curare: Who is Judith?
Note: The story
Curare: Sucks. Leave now while your brain is still intact.
Roxie: Innocent lives. Every day.
the war. This story does
Curare: Cause nausea, drowsiness, and in extreme cases, death.
get dark at times,
Roxie: (snerk) I'll keep that in mind. In case I get scared later.
FFeathers: I've got a night-light!
and will go up to rating R.
FFeathers: But…but I'm not seventeen yet!
Curare: Whatever shall you do? [/sarcasm]
I'll inform you on those chapters.
Roxie: (gravely) Glad to know she's keeping us informed.
Curare: Your concern on our part is greatly appreciated, Casper-II.
I assure you though,
FFeathers: There is no cause for alarm. I only look like an egotistical maniac out to brainwash the population through gratuitous badfic!
there are humorous chapters.
Roxie: Ha ha ha! Funny!
Curare: Not yet, dork.
FFeathers: I'm not laughing.
Not to confuse anyone:
FFeathers: Too late.
Roxie: What? I'm confused.
FFeathers: As I said…too late. Ah…finally!
Roxie: Is it over? Can I go home now?
Curare: (gets up)
FFeathers: Sit down! That was just the author's note.
FFeathers: We still have to go through the actual chapter, guys! Popcorn?
Chapter 1 ~Memory Fear~
My lips are
Roxie: Snog elves.
say I'm okay.
FFeathers: You're okay!
Curare: I think it's a poem…
Roxie: But it doesn't rhyme!
I've even given you
Roxie: Venereal diseases.
FFeathers: Who is she talking to?
a reassuring smile.
Curare: Somehow, I'm not quite reassured.
But inside of me
Roxie: I'm an animal!
I can feel myself rip.
Curare: Please, feel free to rip quite apart and nip this travesty in the bud.
Roxie: (rips paper) Whee!
You don't know I'm
FFeathers: Really Ricardo's secret gay lover and the love child of Lucky's comatose brother and your mother's sister's son's half-uncle, who proposed to Joan-Leah and was rejected because he was a eunuch and I was too close to her!
Roxie: You need to turn off the soap operas occasionally, hon.
FFeathers: Oh, soap operas were last year. Now I'm on reality TV.
Curare: Elbereth protect us.
telling you a lie.
Roxie: You lied to us? And we didn't know!
Curare: Actually, I did know.
FFeathers: The plot thickens! Tune in next week –
Roxie and Curare: Shut up
Her luscious hatred kissed me.
(All three gag)
Curare: She must have written this thing herself.
Now, my mind has been
My body scorn.
FFeathers: Scorn what?
Curare: I'm gonna need a heck of a lot of Bleepka after this.
I'm relishing in my mistakes,
Roxie: Learning through mistakes.
Curare: Very mature of her.
Roxie: Why do we keep assuming this is a female author?
in my horrid ugliness.
FFeathers: U-G-L-Y…you ain't got no alibi…
Sometimes the silence is so loud.
Roxie: Turn the silence down! I can't hear myself think!
I'd like to slit my throat with misery.
Curare: No, no…you slit your throat with a knife. Want me to show you how?
FFeathers: How would you slit your throat with an abstraction, anyway?
I'd like to hang myself
Roxie: Go right ahead.
with these malevolent memories.
FFeathers: Malevolent memories do not a rope make. Look…(takes rope)
Roxie: Where did you get that?
FFeathers: The rabbit goes around the hole one, two, thee times…
Loneliness is my friend.
Curare: Invisible friends don't count, child.
Crimson tears will never
form in my hidden eyes.
Roxie: I hate this poem.
FFeathers: Crimson tears? Hidden eyes?
Curare: The …adjectives! They burn!
Only tears of blood you will see.
Curare: Blood is crimson, dolt!
You will never meet the real me,
Roxie: Good. I don't want to.
FFeathers: It's starting to rhyme now…?
feel the pain in my heart.
Curare: That's why you need…Nexium!
Roxie: Heartburn relief 24/7 in just one little purple pill!
Because I will always
Curare: Be an idiot.
That I'm Okay.
FFeathers: You're okay!
Roxie: Rejoice! The poem is over!
Curare: Across the desert lies the promised land!
FFeathers: I wouldn't actually call the body of this story a "promised land…"
The site was almost haunting,
Roxie: …But not quite. It needed something more…
leaves that were once green
FFeathers: Turned pink!
had now been deprived of that rich color.
Curare: (leaf) I feel so deprived!
Roxie: (leaf) Stop oppressing me!
Colors of yellow and orange danced
FFeathers: (yellow) Care to dance?
Roxie: (orange) Don’t mind if I do!
in the air as the wind clutched the leaves
Curare: (wind) Mine!
and were torn from the trees.
Curare: The wind were torn from the trees?
Roxie: The grammar…pains…
FFeathers: Want some Nexium for that?
The essence of fall was in the air.
Roxie: Oohhhh! She's been trying to tell us it's autumn!
Curare: Why didn't she come right out and say it and spare us this torment?
FFeathers: "It was fall." That wasn't too hard, was it?
The cold, cracked concrete was covered with yellow leaves, but were disturbed
Curare: The concrete were disturbed…(shudder)
Roxie: Why? Why these singular-plural things?
FFeathers: Maybe she has multiple-personality disorder.
as laughing children walked over the
Roxie: River and through the woods…
FFeathers: To Grandmother's house we go!
foliage, making incessant crackling sounds.
Curare: The crackling…it won't stop!
A blanket of brittle grass covered the land.
(All look at each other and burst out laughing)
Children ran out the school doors, relieved from
FFeathers: Thanks to Nexium!
their boring and repetitious day.
Curare: (children) Free at last!
Parents' faces gleamed with joy as their children
Curare: Tripped and fell on the sidewalk.
ran to them, and giggled as they
FFeathers: Ran smack into the trees.
Roxie: And were subsequently covered in "dancing orange and yellow leaves."
were lifted up and hugged. Their mother's
Curare: Hold on. All these children only have one mother?
Roxie: The mechanics of this are mind-boggling.
perfume overwhelmed the child
FFeathers: Now there's only one child…
as they hugged, making the child
FFeathers: (mother) Whoops!
Roxie: (father) This is your fault, dear. If we had gotten a dachshund like I wanted, this wouldn't have happened.
scrunch their nose.
Roxie: Aaaaand back to the plural children.
FFeathers: But only one nose.
Curare: This has now gone beyond wrong.
Merry laughter ripped through the vocal cords of children
FFeathers: Wait wait wait. Bus drivers giving welcoming smiles! What kind of moldy crack…where I come from, they kind of grunt. Like…uunnngh. Bus drivers are not welcoming-smiles kind of people.
Curare: But what about the Goddess?
Roxie: Sacrilege! The Great GreyLadyBast is not a grunter!
FFeathers: Forgive me, O Goddess.
as children started packing onto the buses.
Roxie: (children) Quit shoving, you!
A roar of voices boomed
FFeathers: (voices) Fee, fie, foe, fum… *rimshot*
through the buses as the children told their tales of events that happened to them that day.
Roxie: (child) Today I found a really big bug…and I ate it!
Every different body shape, hair color, personality walked out of nearby highschool.
Curare: Great. Celebrating diversity.
Roxie: (nod) Yup.
FFeathers: Hey! We can add this to the list of Things That Are Good About This Fic!
Curare: I doubt there are enough things to make a list…
FFeathers: Number One…political correctness.
Teenagers rushed out of the metal school doors,
Roxie: Heeey…weren't they walking out of high school just a second ago?
Curare: The author must have decided it was time to pick up the pace of her narrative.
some rushed towards the city buses,
Curare: Abuse of the common comma!
FFeathers: Dear, this is an MST, not a PPC. We don't kill the Sue, we mock her.
Roxie: Sue? You didn't say anything about --
pushing their way inside. Couples kissed and said their goodbyes.
FFeathers: (teenager) Goodbye, snoogie-woogie, my sweet honeyed seraph!
Roxie: (teenager) And farewell, bunny-bunn, my sexy penguin of love.
Band instruments, gym bags were
Roxie: A definite must for fall fashion that year.
being held as students went to
Curare: Hell, with all the other Suvians.
their extracurricular activities. Couches stood on the school fields yelling out commands,
Curare: That certainly paints an interesting picture in the mind.
Roxie: "Night of the Living Dead Furniture!"
and the student followed.
Roxie: Back to only one kid again.
Curare: This is making my head throb.
Boys, and occasionally girls tackled their peers.
FFeathers: (teenager) I can no longer restrain my passion for you, snoogie-woogie.
Curare: (teenager) I'll have you right here on the field!
FFeathers: (teenager) There is a couch right over there…
Teenagers quickly left their school, hurrying to go home or elsewhere.
Roxie: Whoa! Déjà vu!
FFeathers: Yeah – weren't we just reading this?
Some carried band instruments, others holding the hands of there so-called lover, or were just having a conversation.
Curare: We get it. High school has let out for the day. Now can we please move on?
Some girls giggled and flipped their hair,
FFeathers: (girl) Like, O-M-G, today Kyle called my cellphone in class…!
some flipped their middle finger and snarled.
Curare: (girl) I want out of this fic!
A couple teens walked into the forest with smirks on their faces, going out for a smoke.
Roxie: Nooooo! Don't smoke! Peer pressure!! Peer pressure!!!
FFeathers: D! I won't do drugs! A – won't have an attitude…
It seemed that everyone was merrily getting on with their lives.
Roxie: (monotone) Great. Your happiness makes me happy.